Feelings

Feelings. They make life so confusing. Sometimes I think life would be a lot easier if we didn't have emotions. But then, what kind of life would that be? Easier isn't always better.

I have struggled to make sense out of my fluctuating feelings for years. I've puzzled over how one day I can be on top of the world and the next day something as trivial as an extra chore can make my mountain melt into an avalanche of depression and doubt. I've cried myself to sleep countless nights, demanding God to explain my feelings, provide a diagnosis and a cure, and then shaking an angry fist at my ceiling when it provides no voice. I've begged, coaxed, cajoled, entreated, pouted....everything I've ever heard that would provoke an answer from God. Every now and then something would come along and shake me out of my doubt, a verse, a phrase, a beautiful sight, or (as in the previous post) a dragonfly. But for the most part, I got this answer:


Silence. 

Silence, when you feel you need an answer, is about the most frustrating thing. Silence from God is just plain scary. Is He still there? God always answers us right? So, how come I didn't hear it? God, God! Wake up! I need you! You're still there right? God!? Hello! GOD!

You can quickly become spiritually hysterical that way. I know. I've been there. 

But God recently opened my doubt-blinded eyes to this rather obvious but nonetheless helpful truth:

My feelings have absolutely no effect on His promises.

He's here even when I don't feel His presence.

He cares even when I don't feel His concern.

He loves me even when I don't feel His arms around me.

He's guiding me even when I don't feel His direction.

He's faithful even when I feel forsaken.

All it comes down to is whether I believe that or not. I choose to believe it. I choose to trust a God I can understand rather than my own deceitful heart that even I can't understand!

Dragonflies

Has God ever demonstrated His love to you so powerfully and intimately that it took your breath away? Have you ever felt Him so close that you were afraid to move or breathe? I have. It is the best feeling on earth!

One day, a few months back, I felt the need for some peaceful relaxation, some time to be alone with God and just focus on Him. So I went out on my front porch with some ice cream. I always enjoy that. I like to admire the feeling of stillness. It seems like life freezes for a moment and I can regather my frazzled spirit.

This time however, I wasn't finding peace. Part of me was relaxed, but deep inside I was still anxious, disturbed. I struggled with it, but it refused to budge. God, what is this? I cried. After a few moments of silence I gave up trying and sat in misery, trying to ignore this part of me in an uproar.

 I noticed some dragonflies flitting around. I like dragonflies. One landed relatively close to me. It'll probably fly off as soon as I move closer, I thought. Nevertheless I moved toward it. Just as I thought, the dragonfly instantly took to the air. However, my disappointment was shortlived. Instead of flying away, the dragonfly came and landed right in front of me. I caught my breath.

God, did you do that for me? Did You bring that little bug right to me? Somehow I knew He had! God, do You really love me that much? To do something so small, yet so personal? I stared at that dragonfly for a good while, enjoying the best feeling on earth.

"But as for me, the nearness of God is my good..." Psalm 73:28


   This reminds me of a similar occasion. A few months ago I was working hard on school. I was overwhelmed with tons of catch-up work. I stayed at home all day, every day, for weeks (I'm homeschooled), while my family went places without me. I burnt-out very quickly.

One day my brother had a baseball game in a town a few hours from our house. My family was going to make a day of it. I finally decided to let school go for one day and go along. It was spring, the first really warm day we'd had that year. I gave myself permission to forget about all my worries for one day and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

On the way home I was carefree. I felt as if I could float off the ground. I sang out of sheer need to let some of the joy out that was bubbling up in me.

 And then, just as I thought I could feel no happier, God did something amazing, outrageous! A black truck whizzed past me...and on the back window these words were plastered, "Jesus Loves You." Such a simple thing.

  I laughed in delight at those three simple words. I thought I would burst with joy. God had done that specifically for me!! He had planned the whole thing. Just think of all the things He had to get together for that truck to whiz past me just at that moment! How marvelous!

I never knew those three words, "Jesus Loves You," could mean so much. We throw that phrase out so carelessly sometimes, without stopping to really ponder the full weight of their meaning. This time it was different though; I knew that God was communicating to me in a special, personal way.  It was the best feeling on earth.

Pain

    When I finished my last post I was just beginning to realize what a tough topic I had picked. That's why I ended it with a plea for your thoughts.

Pain is a tough subject, and a broad one. There is no simplifying it into 10 or even a hundred easy steps. Pain is pain and we must walk through it however long it takes.

The good news is, we don't have to walk through it alone! God has promised to be with us no matter what.

So, how does God want us to respond to pain?

I have pondered the subject of pain for a few weeks now and come up with many approaches and analogies, but in the end I keep coming back to this: God wants us to draw near to Him in our pain.

Trust in Him at all times O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 62:8

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you
1 Peter 5:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Philippians 4:6

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Pain presents us with a choice, as do most things in life. We can see the good or we may dwell on the bad. We can appreciate our chance to learn a lesson, run into the open arms of Jesus and be an example to the world, or we have the opportunity to shake our fists at the sky, and then curl up in a ball and hide from the pain. In the end we still end up hurting.

What should we do when we sense that ripple of dominoes hurtling towards us?

 Lean on God. He will hold you up.

Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22

Life Lessons

Life is hard. Life is complicated. Life is painful. Life isn't fair. We all have to learn these things the hard way.

I remember the events that taught me these lessons. They did happen over a good amount of time, but to me they seemed like dominoes; one tumbling right after another as I stood and watched helplessly. Actually, I felt like all of those dominoes at once. I felt like the one crashing to the ground at the beginning, and I felt like the one at the end, waiting for my turn, knowing it was coming closer and closer, yet never knowing when it would strike.

I still feel that way. Only now I know what it feels like to be a dominoe; I know how much it hurts when you are suddenly knocked to the ground with no warning, no chance to brace yourself. So, I keep myself braced. I curl up in a ball so I can roll with the punches instead of fall flat on my face.

Is that really the way God wants me to live my life, hiding from it? I think not. Jesus faced the hungry crowds, Jesus took the spiteful taunts, Jesus looked the crippled children in the eye...and then did something about their situation.

So, how does God want us to respond to pain? Tell me what you think and I will post my thoughts on this a little later. :)